Looking for Antichrist (Rant 102)

‘Is there a church nearby, Father?’ the diffident, Gothic-looking, kohl-wearing youth standing outside Chapham Common tube asked me. The kind of question a priest doesn’t mind answering, you’ll grant me that. The follow-up, though, I wasn’t prepared for.



‘I am looking for the Antichrist’ – pause – I stared at the sallow, pinched, studs-dotted face.



‘An oddball’, I thought. ‘Or maybe just taking the mickey. Has read too much Steven King. I’ll humour him, anyway.’



‘What do you want to do with him, my boy?’ I inquired, putting as much kindness into my voice as I could.



Now I really must implore your forgiveness. I owe it to the lad: the conversation that followed must remain unknown. He was an unquiet spirit. To be implicated with the dark side, the mystery of lawlessness, of iniquity – that’s never a very wise thing. I can only pray God will grant him peace.



Still, the eerie meeting had some effect on me. Did a bit of homework. Refreshing my memory, I looked up a few Bible passages. St John’s Letters, chiefly. And commentaries. I re-learnt Antichrist is a plural word – there are lots of them. Caligula, Nero, Julian the Apostate, a certain Prophet, Martin Luther, the Pope, Trotzky, Hitler, Stalin – even Charles Taze Russell, the founder of the Jehova’s witnesses - and many others have been canvassed for the job. But – Blessed Apostle, have mercy on me – I got slightly bored. Millennialism isn’t exactly my cup of tea. And the trouble is, most candidates are just too obvious. Mad Caligula, matricidal Nero (although Flaubert extravagantly dubbed Nero ‘the perfect sensualist’), pagan, war-worshipping Fuhrer, mass-murderous, atheist Uncle Joe…come on! Too perfect a rogues’ gallery. A bit like the Devil in medieval mystery plays: ugly, monkey-tailed, grotesquely done up, gnashing his teeth, putting out a forked tongue and spitting fire – would an Antichrist really be as darned predictable as that? I’d credit the with sod a little more subtlety…



‘Fr Alexander, what would Antichrist be like?’ The spoof-churchy Mad Bishop Pub, inside Paddington Station - we were relaxing there after Mass - seemed conducive to casual delving. And Fr Alex is a bit of an expert on the occult (does exorcisms and all that) – though a sane one.



He sipped his Carlsberg. Over his lunettes, he shot me a mischievous, owlish look. ‘Well, Father, the best modern writer on this subject, I would say, is Vladimir Solovyov.’



‘Who he?’



‘Russian. Died a century ago. Orthodox but also a papalist. As a young man, pilgrim in the Egyptian desert and looking pretty wild, he was himself taken for Antichrist (Dajjal) by some Bedouins. Later he wrote a dialogue, including a brief history of the Antichrist. Solovyov lays out a remarkable scenario.



There will one day appear on earth an extraordinary genius – almost a superman. Aged only 33, he is universally hailed as the greatest, noblest mind on earth. An intellectual. An idealist and a philanthropist. A fine critical scholar and a free spirit – tolerant, broad, humane. And man of action. Handsome, charismatic, of huge sex-appeal too. A lover of humanity. Think of Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Mother Teresa, Bertrand Russell, Churchill and John Kennedy (well, possibly), Princess Diana and more, many more, all rolled into one. His book, The Open Way to Universal Well-Being and Peace, is a best seller. Marx & Engels’ Communist Manifesto, Rousseau’s Social Contract, Mill’s On Liberty, all crumble into dust by comparison. Boldly radical but immensely suasive, he wins over the world leaders to his visionary political and humanitarian program. Miraculously, he solves the unsolvable world conflicts, like Palestine, North Korea, terrorism, and so on.’



Hmm…Sounds pretty fantastic. Above all, not bad at all. ‘By their fruits ye shall know them.’ A brilliant conflict-solver like that…God knows we’d need him. Why would this guy be Antichrist?



The priest looked circumspect. ‘You see, one idea gnawed at him al the time. That Christ could be thought better than him – that turned all his glittering fame to dust and ashes. ‘That Galilean peasant… short, swarthy, Jewish-looking. Of uncertain origin. No education, unsophisticated, apocalyptic, with a megalomanic God-complex. All right, his love message caught the imagination of the poor, the despised and the lowly. But now it’s high time mankind came into its own. The Galilean should shove over. I am much better equipped… ’ These were some of the thoughts tormenting him.



Fr Alex was engrossed. Screwed up his fair eyebrows and went on: ‘So, this beautiful hero is elected President of the United States of Europe. (Eurosceptics, keep your cool, ok?) Then he summons the leaders of the Church. Pope, Orthodox Patriarch, Protestant bigwigs. Proposes they should elect him as their common patron and protector – another Constantine, I suppose. But they turn down his proposal.’



‘Really a superhuman bugger, if he can manage to bring together the proud, ever-squabbling top Christians’, I resisted the temptation to observe.



‘At this stage Solovyov brings up the figure of the court-counsellor, Apollonius. (He knew his Book of Revelation, no doubt.) An infernal spin-doctor with supernatural powers. Pope and Patriarch are struck down dead by his black magic. Apart for a little remnant, the terrified Church capitulates. Apollonius is acclaimed Pope. Under his sway all sort of foul abominations, such as ‘mystical fornication’ (what the hell is that?!) and idolatry, spread. It falls to a German Protestant pastor, Professor Pauli (er, symbolism, what?), to lead non-violent Christian resistance.’



Good detail. A lot to be said for solid, no-nonsense Scriptural Prots, I must say. ‘But, Fr Alex, don’t keep me in suspense. What happens in the end?’



‘The Jews ride in to the rescue. Deceived at first in receiving Antichrist as Messiah, they discover he is uncircumcised, no true Israelite. Israel’s righteous wrath knows no bounds. The beast, the false Pope Apollonius and their legions of demons are overthrown. The Jews gather in Jerusalem. The New Jerusalem descends from Heaven. Christ rules…’



His mobile rang. The break was welcome. While Fr Alex jabbered away in his funny accent, I pondered. I liked the way Solovyov used Israel to bring Antichrist to book. Call it a non-sequitur: now of all times, it helps to remember there are alternative views on Israel’s role to those of Sharon and the Neo-Cons. I only hope the Dispensationalists might not move in on the act…



‘Er, Fr Frank, dispens… What a mouthful! What’s that? And what do you conclude about Antichrist?’



About dispens… another time. As to Antichrist, he is what the word says: a figure, a force opposed to Christ. And so to love. How appropriate St John should write about him. The Apostle of love knows they who hate love, are Antichrists. I only wish Solovyov had given Muslims also a part to play. They know and detest Antichrist too. See, friend Mahadi, as we were debating things at Speakers’ Corner yesterday, that’s what was missing in your analysis. Justice’s OK, but love, love, love is what humanity yearns for.